Details have leaked of the Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s ambitious plans to reclaim Britain’s submerged ancestral lands off the east coast of our country, known as Doggerland. When asked about it at a private function for a minor royal from a middle eastern state with a big cheque-book and a penchant for weapons of mass destruction, the Prime Minister commented:
“Well, I make no, make no, no apology for, er, you know, ambition. This is a great country, and, and, and we are, er, and we are entitled, yes, entitled to that territory,” enthused Johnson, “and, and we’ve, you know, already, er, we’ve reclaimed Dogger Bank. It’s all very exciting. [He was thumping the nearest piece of furniture by now.] We’ve planted a crop of wind turbines on it. I say we, it’s a, it’s a British-Norwegian joint venture, but, but eventually, in the fullness of time, that crop of wind turbines will bear fruit, and it will be the, er, the biggest wind farm in the world —in the world, and, er, world-beating. Rule Britannia!”
Doggerland was an area of land that connected Britain, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany and Denmark in pre-historic times, but which was flooded due to rising waters, and possibly a tsunami. It now lies under the North Sea. Dogger Bank is the highest part of the lost land, and can just be made out in satellite images of the area.
Just in case you’re wondering, the name ‘Doggerland’ has nothing to do with the sexual proclivities of faithless British politicians and everything to do with Dutch fishing boats known as doggers. It is apt, then, that since the 1930s fishing trawlers have been bringing us physical evidence of our lost lands through the artefacts that get caught up in their nets. These include mammoth skulls, antlers and the bones of lions, as well as pre-historic tools.
While contemplating the recent Integrated Review, which called for increased numbers of nuclear warheads, but also highlighted that other forms of munitions were reaching their use-by dates, Johnson had a brainwave. He came up with a plan to use the aging munitions to blast Doggerland, and the UK with it, off of the Eurasian tectonic plate, to mark a permanent break with Europe and settle the question of our relationship with the EU once and for all. Genius.
“Moaning Minnies kept going on about how, how, how I couldn’t build a tunnel from Scotland to Northern Ireland to get the, the, you know, the food through, because Beaufort’s Dyke, in the sea there, is chock-full of, uh, oh, I think it’s, a, one million tonnes of unused munitions from World War One,” said Johnson. “I don’t know why theirs still work, while ours are due to expire, but there you go. The British Empire built things differently back then. Made to last.”
When asked about the environmental impact of the project, the PM said he expected it to be similar to fracking, and we all know fracking is not at all bad for the environment. In fact, according to the PM’s top aide, Munira Mirza, fracking improves it. “The people of Europe should be grateful that we’re doing this,” she added. A model of the project made from recycled toilet paper will be the centre-piece of COP26 in Glasgow later this year.
“We are only able to attempt this bold project because of Brexit,” said one bespectacled, dough-faced Cabinet Minister, “but don’t forget – as I said in my Ditchley Annual Lecture – government should be allowed to spend vast amounts of taxpayers’ money and fail, badly, without a word of censure from politicians, the press or the public.”
He spoke to us from under his desk on condition of anonymity, terrified that hook-wielding fishermen in particular, and business owners in general, would have it in for him when they discovered that the so-called teething problems of Brexit were in fact structural barriers that he and the PM had erected.
Instead of building a bridge directly between Scotland and Northern Ireland, or an indirect one via the Isle of Man, as Number Ten originally proposed, Doggerland will be reclaimed, drained and developed by a consortium of Tory donors headed by Dido Harding. The inhabitants of Northern Ireland will eventually be moved there, as the ultimate solution to avoiding the Irish Sea border which the PM accidentally-on-purpose set up between Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
It is estimated that the project will cost whatever is left in the public purse after the government’s chums have squeezed everything they can out of it via corrupt public Covid contracts.
“We’re, we’re levelling up and uniting the country,” said Johnson. “You know Nicola – Nicola Sturgeon can fly the EU flag all she wants, but Scotland won’t want to leave, won’t want to break-up when we pull this off.”
Showing off his knowledge of history and geology, the PM reminded us that seven hundred million years ago Britain was located near the South Pole, and has gradually drifted north to be by Europe. Now that things are not working out quite so well with Europe, we can bally well drift off again to wherever we please, because we’re British and we’re exceptional.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!
On a more serious note… don’t be fooled by Johnson. He has fabricated a vaccine war with the EU, and according to the FT even some (now former) Remainers have fallen for it. He is stuffing regulatory bodies with men (and it usually is men) who share his reality-denying ideology, so they will never sanction his government. He is avoiding all forms of real scrutiny. He is turning the BBC into a government mouthpiece. He is fomenting culture war. He is distracting us from wrongdoing with polemics about flags and statues. He is paying PR firms ridiculous amounts of our money to say that what he is and what he’s doing is the exact opposite of what he actually is or does. He is spinning new narratives rather than fixing old problems. He is using Priti Patel to take our ancient rights and modern freedoms from us. He is working up to crushing the courts. He is dangerous.
If we don’t wake up to Johnson acting the fool as cover for his nefarious authoritarian agenda soon, we will become a failed state. And that would make us April Fools forever.