Boris Johnson is failing, and Tories are already sniffing around for a replacement.
It used to be a shoo-in for Sunak, cos he’s been Mr Giveaway.
But soon he’ll be Mr PayItBack, and his star will fall. So who’s next?
Here are the runners and riders…
Priti Patel, Home Secretary and Horcrux. Nurse Ratched cosplayer, who would apply a points-based system to breathing if she thought the Daily Mail would give her a good headline. Managed to ‘accidentally’ bully people in every department she’s ever worked in. Odds-on favourite.
Michael Gove, endlessly polite demon, who only ever wanted to be a real boy, but ended up face down in a mound of (let’s be charitable) ‘baking powder’ while Rupe unzipped behind him. Was once considered moderate cos he agreed burying the planet in Tesco bags might hit profits.
Dominic Raab, a Lego rugger club bore with a forehead half the width of his neck (and a brain to match). Has the permanently strained appearance of a man attempting to remember if he’s definitely shredded every single document.
Matt Hancock, a spork that was cursed by a passing witch, and now drifts forlornly across the land being bullied by ministers, grieving families, and facts. You absolutely know he weeps every night in front of his worried children, but somehow you still don’t really care.
Gavin Williamson, an attenuated weasel wearing some teeth it stole from the corpse of a horse. The only rational explanation for his career is that he’s got shares in u-turns. A man filled with all the drive and ambition required to fill the void left by Chris Grayling.
Robert Jenrick, the Minister for Not Being Very Good At Hiding His Corruption. Only got away with breaching lockdown rules (twice) because he looks less like a cartoon criminal mastermind than Cummings does. Spends his weekends praying it gets an Open Prison.
Liz Truss, effortlessly terrible Minister For Agreeing Something Worse Than We Already Have. A committed Christian who ‘inadvertently’ shipped banned military supplies to Saudi Arabia. Twice. In one year. Even after being told it wasn’t allowed. Twice.
Alok Sharma, a man of strong principles who opposed Brexit, then supported Theresa May’s Brexit plan, then voted against it, then voted for Boris’s deal, then said the deal should be scrapped, then said Brexit would be great, then said Brexit would cause huge disruption.
George Eustice, a real person, yet so anonymous his birth certificate says “404 Error”. Even so, as Conservative Environment Secretary, you can be absolutely certain he is busy destroying your planet. Probably awake right now, squirting lemon in a meerkat’s eyes.
Thérèse Coffey, minor Addams Family character, and working class person’s best guess at what “gymkhana” means. Wants to bring back smoking, end gay marriage, allow discrimination against low-caste Indians, and bring back the bedroom tax. So a comparative moderate.
And that’s it. Your next leader will be chosen from that lot.
The winner will be selected by Tory Party members, who are 0.4% of the electorate, and have an average age of 72
The loser, naturally, will be you.